I've been struggling, recently, to find anyone that believes Al Qaida was behind 9/11.

This could go either way, couldn't it. Where am I going? In the unlikely event that a sentient human thing is reading this blog, at this point, that sentient matter (you) will either be thinking "That's right, Rob, finally someone in the diving world is prepared to tell the truth about 9/11 and Dubya bush, and, er the Illumaniti. And Freemasons. And so forth. Gov'mint etc.", or you'll be more inclined to think "Oh no, he's turned into a hippy. I think I can hear bongos. Do something before it grows dreadlocks and tries to infect us all."

It's OK, there's no need to get the bleach. But why am I spending my time trying to persuade people that any "World Government" that's completely incapable of calculating a Council Tax bill correctly after 14 attempts, is unlikely to have been involved in faking the moon landings 25 years before CGI?

It's because I'm living in Port Douglas.

Port, to its skunk-befuddled, stinky little friends, is an excellent place to spend time swimming around underwater in Far North Queensland, but an even better place to purchase much needed sea shells with dolphins painted on them for around £65. Or to pay a similar price for a "frontal massage". By someone that's completely unqualified for it.

Qualified by whom? That's what I say; oh sure, so you're going to tell me that nothing works until it's been verified by the state and rubber-stamped by The Man, yeah? Right, kids? Right? Well, I nearly got away with it.

Anyway, hopefully by now, enough time will have elapsed for the above video of humpbacks to have loaded. It's much worse quality than the original, for which I blame my new Adobe editing software. And The Man. Mostly The Man. But it was quite nice at the time.

Not quite nice enough for me to overcome the trauma of living in a backpackers' for three weeks, five days, six hours and 24 minutes, though. If you've never gone backpacking before, and are unsure as to whether it's really for you, the following quiz should help:

Question 1) You awake one morning to discover that one of those wispy little moustaches that, although you're not sure because you've never been allowed there, you imagine trainee gangsters in Brixton might grow when their mums let them, has appeared on your weasely little face, just below your eyes, which are too close together. Do you:

a) Shave it off immediately.

b) Sport it ironically for an evening in the hope it will improve your chances of sexy-time.

c) Accentuate it with with four conspicuous chin hairs and a hat with floppy ear bits that dangle down near your vest. You're wearing a vest.

Question 2) It's the morning-time and you see a semi-sentient human thing (called Rob, for example), sitting in a seat pouring Coco Pops into a bowl. When Rob gets up to put the milk back in the fridge do you:

a) Do nothing.

b) Question everything, man. There's no way bin Laden flew those planes.

c) Sit down in the seat for the seven and a half seconds that it's empty and invite six of your be-dreadlocked friends over to talk about the nightlife in Bristol and how 9/11 was a conspiracy by The Man because buildings don't just fall over when planes fly into them because you've never seen it happen before. Except for that one time. On 9/11. And so Rob has to pick up the Coco Pops and eat them in the seat by the speakers with the Bob Marley playing out of them.

Question 3) You're a bit drunk and need a poo. Do you:

a) Go to the communal toilets and have a poo. Then flush.

b) Go to the communal toilets and have a poo. Forget to flush.

c) Go to the communal toilets, put the seat down, and then the lid over the seat, and then have a poo. On the lid of the toilet. Yes, the lid. It's irrelevant whether you flush or not.

I'm not in the backpackers' anymore.